Talk:Rogue/@comment-17759525-20170718130223/@comment-17759525-20170726131449
cont'd O_O This is just escalating so much. So much is happening, so many characters and details to keep track of... yet it all works together so well. Your writing is amazing !!! I also like the way the characters talk. All the "kid" and "dude" and stuff makes them sound so casual, so much more like humans. It's fun slangy talk that really gives them a bit of extra personality :) I do think the relationship between the Allegiance and the Clans is pretty interesting. The Allegiance cats are very aware that the Clan cats are out there, yet the Clans seem to have no idea that the Allegiance exists. Why is that ?? Favorite moment: "He was staring at Breeze to make sure she was watching, but she only turned her back in time to hear him tip over in effort and land on his face." Perfect <3 I kinda like Thorn. I'm glad he regrets exiling Rowan, and I'm glad that he loves Sorrel, even though she's secretly not actually his kit. Screech is also an intriguing character. It seems like there are a couple parallels between her and Sorrel, perhaps. And she's smart, and observant, much more so than the other Allegiance cats. I wonder if she'll cause trouble for Breeze, or eventually join up with her? Hm. Swallowfur seems like a sweet cat, if a bit naïve. His presence in Allegiance territory is only going to cause trouble for Breeze, I'm sure :\ I do feel bad for Paleberry, though. She's the medicine cat; she deserves respect from the Clan, even if they think she's just getting old. Ignoring her warnings is probably the worst thing they could be doing right now. I do have to admit the sudden switch to WindClan perspective caught me off guard and I didn't like it at first, but as I kept reading I began to appreciate the chapter more and more. You're the kind of writer who wouldn't switch perspectives without good reason, and you really know how to do it right. It's a good way to introduce some more of the history within WindClan (the details of Ashpoppy, Sundusk, and Heatherdawn's friendship give a whole extra dimension to what happens later). I just love the description of Oakstar losing his life. I feel like we tend to get a bit desensitized to the concept of nine lives, but it would really be terrifying to see a cat who appeared to be dead just stand up and get ready to fight you again. Wow. And the long description of Heatherdawn's death... wow. I can imagine it like a movie playing in slow motion, each detail more horrible than the last. And the very end of that chapter is just so, so chilling. There's the echo of "betrayed, betrayed, betrayed" from earlier on. Then I'm also curious about Ashpoppy! She got thrown across the fighting area - how is she not harmed ??? And Astrid's confrontation with Breeze - then suddenly we get to see the side of her that Rowan knew about all along. She's a scary cat O.o And then there's more genetic talk. How'd they learn all that anyways ahah "Ro" <3 During the scene where Swallowfur and Breeze are arguing, I like that you leave out a lot of unnecessary descriptions and just let the dialogue speak for itself. It feels so fast-paced, which is perfect for the scene. And then the revelation of Paleberry's omens about Breeze !! :D Anti-hero, here we come. Ooh, this is so horrible, but it's also so exciting. I love it~ Fantastic, fantastic job. I can't wait to find out how this story will end !!! Some mistakes/confusing things I noticed: -It feels like Winter goes back and forth between thinking Sorrel is Breeze's kit and knowing she's not. In chapter seven, Breeze says right in front of Winter "If I didn't get forced into a bonding pact with your mother...", so she should know that Breeze and Sorrel aren't related. But then later on she seems fully convinced that Sorrel is Breeze's kit. -"pregnant with Jasmine and I" should be "pregnant with Jasmine and me" -"she untended when sh recognized" -"hostile gores" = ?? -The first paragraph in chapter nine is in bold, for some reason. -"Breze stepped back" -"He said he's be back before sunhigh!" Briartuft demanded. - one typo, and "demanded" doesn't really seem like the right verb here to me. -"slipping form her head" -"sill attempting" -"dissapear"